Three Months in Facebook Jail

My Crime: Approving a Suspicious Character

Yesterday, I completed a three-month sentence in Facebook Jail.

There was no trial. No jury. No dramatic courtroom objection. I was not even permitted one phone call - although, strangely enough, I could still use Messenger.

My offense? As an administrator of a Facebook page, I approved a post labeled “potential spam.”

In my defense, it looked innocent. Facebook said potential, not definite. That’s an important distinction. A weather forecast might warn of potential rain, but you don’t immediately begin building an ark.

Unfortunately, the post turned out to be a scam. A friend quickly alerted me, and I deleted it immediately. I assumed my prompt action would demonstrate responsibility and good citizenship.

Facebook apparently interpreted it as destruction of evidence.

I decided to fight the charge.

Having been before a judge before - and I stand on my record: 33 indictments, no convictions - I thought I could plead my case or, at the very least, throw myself on the mercy of the court.

I planned to reach out to my good friend Brian Kanner, who served as a judge in New York. Alas, he is now happily retired. So I had to make my case directly to Facebook, which was no easy task.

After struggling to negotiate a resolution through the Facebook system, I decided to man up, accept the verdict, and serve my sentence. I mean, how long could it be?

I was reminded of a story about Baseball Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis. Before becoming commissioner, Landis was a federal judge. He once sentenced an aging bank robber to 15 years in prison.

“Your Honor,” the man said, “I’m 72 years old. I can’t serve that long.”

Landis replied, “Well, do the best you can.”

And so I decided I could live with the decision.

The sentence came down swiftly: three months of restricted activity.

Life Behind Digital Bars

Facebook jail is unusual because you remain on Facebook, but you cannot do many of the things that make Facebook useful.

I could post on my main page, which was generous of the authorities. But I could not post in groups, join groups, or share items. I was free to wander around Facebook and look at things, but if I attempted meaningful participation, the invisible guards rattled their virtual keys.

“Move along. Nothing to comment on here.”

The hardest moments came when someone tagged me in a group with a question about bugles, Taps, or history. Under normal circumstances, I would have answered publicly. Instead, I could only stare through the bars of my restriction while the unanswered question sat there in plain sight.

So I developed a prison communication network: direct messages. Whenever someone tagged me, I quietly slipped into their inbox. “I can’t answer you in the group. Facebook is listening. Here is the information you requested. Delete this message after reading.”

It made answering a straightforward historical question feel like passing intelligence to the Resistance.

An Administrator’s Cautionary Tale

My experience taught me that page administration is serious business. One careless click and suddenly you’re treated like the getaway driver for a scam you didn’t even know was taking place.

I had approved one suspicious post, removed it almost immediately, and still received a three-month sentence. Apparently, there is no reduced penalty for cooperation with the authorities.

There was also no opportunity for good behavior.

I logged in regularly. I caused no disturbances. I organized no prison uprising. I did not fashion a crude bugle out of discarded reaction buttons. Still, I served every day of my sentence.

Release Day

At last, my term expired.

There was no official release ceremony. Mark Zuckerberg did not meet me at the gate and return my personal belongings in a small cardboard box. There was no halfway house for recovering group contributors.

I simply discovered that I could share something again.

My first act as a free Facebook citizen was sharing the previous night’s 100 Nights of Taps Gettysburg. After three months, clicking that Share button felt less like using social media and more like ringing the Liberty Bell.

I am now attempting to reintegrate into Facebook society. I can enter groups again, respond to questions publicly, and share posts without communicating through secret channels.

Still, institutionalization leaves its mark. Every time I see the words “Potential Spam,” I become nervous. I examine the post from every angle, consult trusted advisers, check its background, request references, and consider whether it has ever associated with suspicious links.

Then I hover over the “Approve” button and hear a little voice:

“Are you willing to do another three months for this post?”

Usually, the answer is no.

I am grateful to be free, wiser from the experience, and ready once again to discuss bugles, Taps, and history in public. But I have learned one lasting lesson:

On Facebook, you don’t have to commit the scam. Sometimes you only have to hold the door open for it.

I am now a reformed convict…Former inmate number 7474505B